Four night ago I had a dream.... it was so vivid and real that I can still almost feel it. In my dream I was snuggling with my newborn son.... he was chubby and round like Sarah was and I was nuzzling the top of his fuzzy little head with my nose and lip. Savoring the way he smelled as he slept in my arms.
Today we are faced with deciding do I pursue that sweet dream... or do I give up on it. Do I put my body through all of this again to realize that dream...or to even realize a chance at that dream.... or do I selfishly stop now.
A mother will do anything for her child...but what about children that live only in our dreams....how far am I willing to go for this dream cherub.
and then there is the guilt....its my own selfish desire to not be treated like a vodoo doll... does my irrational fear of needles stop me from moving forward.... does it stop me from giving my husband the large family he desires....does it stop me from giving my daughter the sibling she has been dreaming.
Can I live with the guilt of killing their dreams as well as mine...... and what of my guilt for the infertility....God has blessed us with this amazing treatment options completely covered by insurance....can I live with turning that gift away...a gift so many pray nightly for.....
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
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Leah, I know how scared you are by the needles but i promise it will be worth it. See what the doctor has to say today, i suspect they will just need to go at stimming you slower next time, your body responded really well, too well. It's a very hard decision. I struggle with it because John isn't as "on board" with TTC as I am, i wonder if I should give up because of it. I don't know if there is ever a right or wrong answer. Please know I am thinking of you. I'm gonna go email you my phone number so you can call if you need to chat and work it out.
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